A Peanut Party

Word on the street is I like dem nuts! And cheese and wine and all things yummy that go in my mouth. And, I love to eat and drink until the very moment I fall asleep. It’s the best way to go. *Whomp* Down, like I’ve been hit with a horse tranquilizer.

While I usually sit and read and sip and nibble on the couch until I get sleepy enough for bed (or wake up on the couch and realize I missed my calling, but no time like the present), my Guy said he missed me snuggling next to him, so last night I had the brilliant idea to bring the party to bed.

All’s right with the world. I’m snuggled in the covers, got my little cup-o-nuts by my side. Life’s great. Then the next thing I know […]

I really thought this was going to be no problem. Just a small little cup of nuts to nibble on while I read and started to doze off. I am such an idiot. I hope you can see where this is going.

All’s right with the world. I’m snuggled in the covers, got my little cup-o-nuts by my side. Life’s great. Then the next thing I know, I try to roll over, half-asleep, and my knee touches something cold. I reach down to feel what it is and sure enough…

There’s freaking nuts everywhere! I can feel them all under my back, my ass, even some near my toes. The bed is all salty and scratchy with them.

In a stupid little panic, I slip out of the bed (trying to do so as quietly and as inconspicuously as possible so as not to wake Guy) and then I feel them on the ground. My feet crunching into them as I step down and I know I’m totally screwed. Guy is 100% going to find out.

What’s the real crime here? I wasn’t stupid wasted. Seriously, I was just tired and fell asleep on my snack. That’s totally forgivable right?

But, I do the best I can, I start scooping as many as I can off the bed and into my hands. And, of course, you know I have to eat them. That’s evidence! And, let’s just say I spilled a lot of peanuts. I’m sitting there, squatted, scooping, and crunching, thinking they’ve got to be all up under Guy too. But, hell, I don’t know. He rolls over and seems to not be awoken by a salty scratch surprise like I was, so I’m still in the clear.

Once I feel like I’ve got them all off the bed — I cannot possibly see all the ones on the ground — I curl back in bed, roll around a little to find strays, hear more hit the floor and say screw it. What’s the real crime here? I wasn’t stupid wasted. Seriously, I was just tired and fell asleep on my snack. That’s totally forgivable right? At least that’s what my sleepy mind told Callie as she dozed back off.

In the morning, as I hear Guy start to stir, I wonder what the heck I’m going to do. Then he does the absolute best thing possible: eases out of bed and heads straight for the bathroom. The door shuts. *click* And I know it is then …

GO TIME

I bolt out of bed, flick on the lights and dash around the bed like a mad woman nabbing up every last nut in the covers and on the floor. Of course, eating them as I go. What else am I supposed to do? Until I have a perfect little empty cup on my nightstand, just a little stupid salt under my ass, and I’m all curled up, then, back in bed — seemingly dozing like an angel — when Guy comes back. He even snuggles with me in bed a bit and is none the wiser about my salty abomination below.

I’m just banned from bringing nibbles to bed. No more bed nuts for this little lady.

But, as we wake and I start to make the bed while he’s in the shower, I see the fitted sheet on my side is smudged with all these little brown and tan dots, and it’s greasy and salty and I know I have to wash the sheets. I also know I could have washed them without telling Guy, as it’s about that time anyway. But, I decided to bring him into the fold. I mean — like I said — it was just a spilt snack.

No need to send me to the guillotine. Right?

Turns out, right. I’m just banned from bringing nibbles to bed. No more bed nuts for this little lady.

Moral: Peanuts are totally welcome on the wine-and-cheese diet; we just don’t recommend you roll around in bed with them.

Happy feasting!

–Callie

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