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Your Fat and Unlovable Photo

For me, it started with a Polaroid. A lampshade. A stocky topless girl. And a Polaroid. Then, later, a traumatic Tanya Harding whack to the knees of my confidence that briefly shattered me. That was just the pinnacle moment that triggered what had already been brewing in my mind and what would continue to roar like a furnace long after I could even recall what Tanya’s club felt like. Many things had been leading up to it. Continue reading “Your Fat and Unlovable Photo”

Podcast Review: Finding the Unbreakable You: Meg Doll

And what a doll she is! Not just for putting herself out there, but also for taking the time to record her conversations with others and put them out there on her podcast: The Unbreakable You.

The most healing thing I have found in my recovery is hearing the voices of fellow sufferers. It is almost scary now to look back and realize how alone I felt, yet empowering to know I wasn’t alone at all. There were thousands of people to reach out to who would listen and not judge, I just didn’t know where to find them, so I kept trudging alone, my dirty ED knapsack slung over my shoulder, wearing my body to the bone.

This realization has made me want to share any and all possible resources for anyone out there looking. There are far more than you realize, and Meg Doll is a phenomenal, unbreakable one. Continue reading “Podcast Review: Finding the Unbreakable You: Meg Doll”

On Microwave Meals

They seem a little too good to be true, don’t they? While I don’t need to mention any particular name brands here, I’m sure you all know the ones I’m talking about. The meal-in-a-little-box microwave cuisine meals in the freezer section. They’re all around 400-600 calories. Promising to be a perfectly-satisfying, perfectly-proportioned meal, that hits on most of the major food groups (except their version of protein is some brownish, whitish rubber and their vegetables are some version of colored tidbits that I’m not sure even coordinate with the vegetables their hues imply). Continue reading “On Microwave Meals”

Book Review: Bloom

If you’re struggling with an eating disorder, Caralyn wants to give you a hug. She also wants to give you a journal, a path, and hope for an amazing, healthy future.

I was first drawn to Caralyn through her powerful blog, Beauty Beyond Bones. In her posts, which she began sharing as part of her own journal while recovering from anorexia, Caralyn is real, honest, funny, and—just as she described in her book, Bloom—spunky! Continue reading “Book Review: Bloom”

The Worst Kind of Addiction

“My boyfriend thinks I’m fat!” We can all relate to that phrase. You imagine a silly girl in the restaurant who throws her fork and shrieks this out when the waiter asks her if she would like dessert.

What a snivelly little weakling. “I could crush her,” you might be thinking.

But, if you were anything like me when I was suffering from a raging eating disorder, I have admit that I was actually far weaker than her. Rather than letting some emotions out in public where they might be aired out, exposed, and cleared, I took mine home with me. I swallowed them and hid them. Fed them and grew them. I locked the door and hugged them like a toilet. Continue reading “The Worst Kind of Addiction”

Gurgle: A Little Rumble on Breakfast

I’ll be honest; I have no idea what it is. Is it gas moving around? My intestines shrinking? (Or rolling or wrapping around on themselves?) Is it a gerbil trying to get out? That’s sometimes what it sounds like. But, we’ve all had it happen. Often at work, during a painfully-silent meeting where your tummy has decided to take center-stage.

Guuurrrgglle.

The first time it happens, often no one will comment. I mean, it’s a normal thing. Like a cough or a sneeze. Not a big deal. By the second gurgle, a co-worker might say “Man, did you miss breakfast?” or something to that effect. But by the third or fourth or fifth, it just starts to get awkward, and people start handing you muffins. Continue reading “Gurgle: A Little Rumble on Breakfast”

Food Hell: Cake on Your Wedding Day

At the time, when I was merely an emotional binger and exercise bulimic, I stupidly congratulated myself on having not yet gone to the dark side of throwing up after I ate. “Sure, I can’t approach food without counting the calories, torturing myself with the options, and planning to burn off whatever I put in afterward, but at least I don’t do that. I’m not that far gone,” I would tell myself. “You’re so smart, Callie.”

Was I? I can now ask myself, as an eating disorder survivor who is committed to helping others banish their own food demons. I was still starving at times. Putting away an entire jar of peanut butter at others—when my hunger, irritation, and impatience would overwhelm me, and in response, I would crash into the bottom of that brown, creamy hell. Heaven? Hell? I can’t decide. Continue reading “Food Hell: Cake on Your Wedding Day”