Why Barbie Makes Me Laugh

I think we’re all pretty familiar with the “life-size” Barbie analogy where a Barbie doll is made to-scale as a life-size woman and she’s absolutely ridiculous: boobs she could not fit into any shirt, feet the size of insects, arms as thin as reeds. It really is quite hilarious (and sad) that children strive to look like that. If you haven’t seen that Barbie analogy, here’s a great recap:

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While I think this measurement-to-measurement comparison is an important reminder to the little girls and boys inside us that Barbie is not a good role model, the more I think about Barbie, the more I see how a real-life version of Barbie would make me laugh. I wouldn’t envy her, or be jealous of her. I would simply laugh. Just imagine the many oddities and limitations Barbie has to deal with and how she might handle that on social media:

Because she can never NOT smile:

  • “Lost in Simon Says again today. Hate when he says ‘make a sad face’.”
  • “I am pissed. Why don’t you believe me?”
  • “This IS my resting bitch face.”

Because she has no nipples:

  • “Piercing guy told me ‘No’ because he wouldn’t know where to put them.”
  • “Is it cold in here? I can never tell.”
  • “Where do I put my pasties?”

Because her knees only bend with two audible pops up to 20 degrees:

  • “Namaste in this awkward extended position cause I can’t do Lotus.”
  • “At least I can bend and snap (oh … *snap*).”
  • “There goes my pole-dancing career.”

Because her toes are always pointed like she’s in a perpetual orgasm:

  • “Got my ‘O’ feet on today (and everyday)!”
  • “I can’t wear Birkenstocks. I just can’t.”
  • “I can’t understand why they call them ‘flip-flops’ – mine never flop.”
  • “Why are the cops always so mad when I tippie-toe in the line-up?”

Because … well, just because she’s hard, shiny plastic:

  • “Nothing jiggles when I twerk.”
  • “How do I ‘make it clap?’”

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The more I think about it, the harder I laugh. Imagine Barbie trying to go down stairs. Her back foot wouldn’t bend enough to let her safely put her front foot (even in ‘O’ mode) onto the next step, so she would just tumble the rest of the way down and land in an only slightly-bended heap at the bottom. Like a falling stick. (It’s a good thing she’s plastic.)

But, then how does she even get up?

Can she?

I believe if Barbie took one single fall, she’d be down forever.

I hope some of these Barbie musings have made you all laugh as hard as I have, and—far more importantly—realize how infinitely more amazing YOUR bendable, capable, unique body is compared to that piece of plastic.

–Callie