Gurgle: A Little Rumble on Breakfast

I’ll be honest; I have no idea what it is. Is it gas moving around? My intestines shrinking? (Or rolling or wrapping around on themselves?) Is it a gerbil trying to get out? That’s sometimes what it sounds like. But, we’ve all had it happen. Often at work, during a painfully-silent meeting where your tummy has decided to take center-stage.

Guuurrrgglle.

The first time it happens, often no one will comment. I mean, it’s a normal thing. Like a cough or a sneeze. Not a big deal. By the second gurgle, a co-worker might say “Man, did you miss breakfast?” or something to that effect. But by the third or fourth or fifth, it just starts to get awkward, and people start handing you muffins. Continue reading “Gurgle: A Little Rumble on Breakfast”

Food Hell: Cake on Your Wedding Day

At the time, when I was merely an emotional binger and exercise bulimic, I stupidly congratulated myself on having not yet gone to the dark side of throwing up after I ate. “Sure, I can’t approach food without counting the calories, torturing myself with the options, and planning to burn off whatever I put in afterward, but at least I don’t do that. I’m not that far gone,” I would tell myself. “You’re so smart, Callie.”

Was I? I can now ask myself, as an eating disorder survivor who is committed to helping others banish their own food demons. I was still starving at times. Putting away an entire jar of peanut butter at others—when my hunger, irritation, and impatience would overwhelm me, and in response, I would crash into the bottom of that brown, creamy hell. Heaven? Hell? I can’t decide. Continue reading “Food Hell: Cake on Your Wedding Day”

How Does It Start? A Care Bear Tummy

How did all of this begin for me? What was the root? For some, that may be a difficult question to answer. For me, it’s not. While the watering of the seed, the growth of the disease, and my decision to actually start nurturing a disorder was a far more difficult question for me to answer, pinpointing the seed was not. For me, this all started with my rotund muscular gut that pooches out further than my tits. I have a Care Bear tummy. Continue reading “How Does It Start? A Care Bear Tummy”

Let’s Take the Word “Diet” Back

Let me start with where it all began for me—the decision to go on an extreme diet. This was a choice I made in a moment I was scared and hurt and felt fat, hideous, and out of control. I believed that being skinny would put me in control and guarantee me a happy life. Continue reading “Let’s Take the Word “Diet” Back”